Joe

shellac @ 2010-03-08T05:16:00

2010-03-08T13:17:19Z

Amy Zimmerman fucking destroyed me at Dr. Mario. I won maybe one time for every 7 times she beat me. It wasn't even close. I really need to reevaluate things.

"I lost. I lost bad. I lost to a girl." - A.C. Slater

shellac @ 2009-10-20T20:54:00

2009-10-21T03:56:46Z

I'm done for now making fun of Adam and Radish's entries. Where is Alex when you need him to post?

shellac @ 2009-08-19T07:25:00

2009-08-19T14:27:47Z

one of my favorite things these days is telling people how awful they are, and how irritating their friends are

I also like calling people "fella"

that will be all

shellac @ 2009-07-28T08:23:00

2009-07-28T15:25:29Z

while others have been posting their camping updates and glowing experiences, I will keep it short - I have not pooped for 108 hours and I'm kind of cranky about it.

shellac @ 2009-06-28T09:55:00

2009-06-28T16:56:19Z

Next, Napa/Sonoma ideas. I don't do that shit, I need help for the best places to go and experience it. Anyway, sodas are on the line.

shellac @ 2009-06-21T15:01:00

2009-06-21T22:03:52Z

you have 10 hours to see San Francisco - where do you take someone. Museums, unless mindblowing, should not be a part of this list. Other boring shit should not be a part of this list. Places where you hang out and lie in the grass with friends on drugs should probably not be a part of this list, unless it's like "Get a burrito at Can-Cun, sit in Dolores Park."

Thank you very much. I will seriously buy you a soda the next time I see you if I like your ideas and haven't already thought of them. (it's the honor system, you know me, I'm goodforit)

shellac @ 2009-06-04T06:14:00

2009-06-04T13:16:28Z

for the record, Uncle Scrooge is DONALD'S uncle, and Huey, Dewey, and Louie's great uncle. That was what I was thinking about all day yesterday, because when you don't have any hair, you don't worry about it, and your mind is left to wander.

shellac @ 2009-05-27T18:48:00

2009-05-28T01:56:28Z

I'm trading emails back and forth with Kent, the manager of NOFX. This is not because I'm about to be signed to Fat, but because NOFX wants to print their own compostable cups. I am trying to finagle it into a job at Fat Records.

shellac @ 2009-05-27T08:02:00

2009-05-27T15:07:49Z

More than once I have heard a girl say how immature a guy is because he's X years old and still masturbating, and how nuts that is. We can take an informal poll here, and I would guess 90% of men are on the daily.

Just once can I hear "This guy is so thoughtful! He masturbates every day to keep his dick in shape so when the time comes he can beat my pussy up." Because that's what it is - for exercise purposes.

shellac @ 2009-05-12T22:28:00

2009-05-13T05:29:34Z

the anticipation of turning off Alex's ipod when camping and playing a song on repeat is killing me because I have the perfect song that is going to irritate him so much, and it's taking all I have to keep it a secret for the next two months. I'm cracking myself up.

shellac @ 2009-04-11T17:01:00

2009-04-12T00:04:21Z

One of the few things I like about myself is that I can admit: a) when I'm wrong, and b) that I'm a stupid person. I also like how I can write really exciting journal entries like this one.

shellac @ 2009-04-08T17:40:00

2009-04-09T00:49:29Z

I'm going to Picnic Day - I always thought of it as the best day of the year, and it symbolizes everything good about Davis. To other people who went to cool schools like Arizona State, it would probably be an average weekend.

To my dismay, no alternative bands or KDVS stage. Still down to chill and stoked to creepily observe drunk college chicks.

Edit: there is a kdvs stage, it was just not on the website. I'm dumb.

shellac @ 2009-03-29T21:51:00

2009-03-30T04:53:45Z

hey, is it just spam, or is someone trying to sign me up for yahoo webcam groups? I admit, I would love to see pictures of webcam chicks, so the spam people hit their target demographic if that's what it is, but it's not me requesting admission to these groups.

Someone has also requested to reset my youtube password twice.

shellac @ 2009-03-28T02:00:00

2009-03-28T09:03:21Z

I have written the same entries a thousand times, but man, I am one stupid dude. I look at the past and cringe at how bad it is. Click for a fight with Dan from 2001.

shellac @ 2009-03-25T22:00:00

2009-03-26T05:02:28Z

I'm in the mood for things that destroy me

the movie Closer is one of them. Brutal!

shellac @ 2009-03-13T23:14:00

2009-03-14T06:27:29Z

So I live at home, but I still cook my meals and do my laundry because I'm that cool, but there are still conversations like this.

"So Dad, I know you're trying to be helpful, but can you just leave my laundry alone."
"What's the matter, I washed your clothes for you."
"You needed to wash the kitchen and bathroom floormats, and you combined them with my whites. There's dirt all over my clothes. And I know it just went through a washing machine, but i don't know how I can feel again about my clothes that directly touched the mats that prevent Christopher's urine from hitting the floor."

"Joe, I bought you french fries."
"Dad, I can't eat that. Have you noticed I haven't been eating anything but health food since the new year? You don't have to buy me anything, I'm fine."
"But they're sweet potato fries."
"Dad, I'm fine. I have my boca burgers and vegetables. Just let me relax for a few minutes."
"There's pizza in the freezer."
"Dad, I know, I can see it. I'm lactose intolerant. Please, I'm going to have a boca burger."
"There's chinese food in the fridge."
"DAD WILL YOU PLEASE NOT TALK FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES THAT I GET HOME AND JUST LET ME EAT SOMETHING I HAVE HAD A VERY STRESSFUL DAY AND JUST NEED 15 MINUTES OF SILENCE AND FOOD THEN I WILL BE READY TO COMMUNICATE. I APPRECIATE YOU LETTING ME LIVE HERE BUT I JUST NEED A FEW MINUTES FROM THE MOMENT I WALK IN THE DOOR TO DECOMPRESS AND NOT HEAR ABOUT WHAT'S ON THE MENU TONIGHT."
<30 seconds of silence pass>
"...there's a cherry pie in the freezer."

shellac @ 2009-03-11T07:33:00

2009-03-11T14:33:52Z

I'm below 200 pounds! Forget that I'm living at home and losing my hair, bring on the mad gash! I'm going to grind on every piece of pussy until my dick falls off!

shellac @ 2009-03-09T22:56:00

2009-03-10T06:06:22Z

I had thought about making a movie just to make a movie recently, but everyone I've pitched it to thought it was an awful idea. It is loosely based on a dream I had, where a girl would be be blowing one dude and giving a handjob to another, at which point I enter fully clothed and hold her hand not giving a handjob and tell her how much I miss her, ask her what she's been up to, and if she'll come back to me - standard Joe monologue fare. The scene would end with a money shot all over her face, and some witty line of dialogue that has nothing to do with the ejaculation but sounds like it.

Of course I would not be suggesting that all, or very specific women are whores, but just another story of a loser whose heart got broken.

shellac @ 2009-02-20T22:23:00

2009-02-21T06:24:22Z

http://grilledcheeseinvitational.com/norcal/

this is tomorrow in SF

all these years, I have been making fun of Don, and it turns out grilled cheese is a legitimate artform

shellac @ 2009-02-18T10:55:00

2009-02-18T19:00:50Z

Hey jerks, if MST3K is having a live show in San Francisco, can someone please tell me about it? I missed two shows last weekend.

shellac @ 2009-02-04T19:39:00

2009-02-05T03:41:43Z

http://liucrative.com/mp3/unless/

only for the collectors, a close to final mix of a new, mostly live recording of selected old songs.

the cover album will come eventually.

shellac @ 2009-02-02T09:59:00

2009-02-02T18:04:01Z

I'm the best at making plans.

My first Joetrip to Humboldt will be postponed until the weekend of the 21st. Now you have two more weeks to say no.

shellac @ 2009-01-28T21:56:00

2009-01-29T06:10:17Z

Something I've never admitted but has crossed my mind from time to time:

When I drunkenly dropped the 28" tv out of the third story window of Talara Hall because someone who was not me thought it would be a good idea, I didn't tell anyone to guard the door to make sure no one was coming out - I told Student Judicial Affairs and whomever I've told the story to that I did. Really, my friend Matt Ewens, who was not drunk, stopped me and said "Wait, Joe, you could kill someone, let me go downstairs and guard the door." This had not even crossed my mind. If Matt hadn't have been there, and the timing was perfect, I could've easily killed or seriously injured someone.

shellac @ 2009-01-28T08:06:00

2009-01-28T16:17:26Z

I went to Tulare/Porterville/Visalia for the past two days for a food show. I was really just a high-paid chauffeur in my boss' Escalade. To pass the time, I took off from the show and searched for local markets using my GPS, and saw some of the dirtiest markets ever, which I will hopefully sell paper/plastic products to.

The most notable experience besides mild food poisoning was this tiny dog, which I don't think was a chihuahua, but just a tiny, malnourished dog. It had four legs, but one of them was gimpy, so it was hopping around, and it hopped up to me at the back of a market in Parlier while I was sitting there, not enjoying a loaf of sourdough. I stood up, and I freaked it out and it started hopping away. I sat back down, and it came back and looked at me, shaking and crippled. Having little prior experience with dogs, I broke off some bread and threw it in front of it, and to my surprise, it ate it, so I gave it more. It was not as exhilarating as feeding ducks, because this dog was fugly and not cute like ducks. After a while, I think it wanted something more, like if you give a shaky, crippled dog a cookie, it asks for a glass of milk. I had carrots too, but it didn't want them.

The point is, some of you get to go on business trips to Japan, Canada, and Germany and gain these great life experiences with stories to tell, and I get Parlier, CA and have to write an entry about my emotional connection with a gimpy dog and how I fed it bread.

Notes from Tahoe

2009-01-12T05:59:13Z

As far as anyone knows, Chris Saito farted for the first time in 26 years, and it was rotten. It was gross even hearing it - it was like hearing my mom fart. I hope it never happens again.